The antagonist in Tobit, one of my favorite go-to books of the Old Testament, is the demon Asmodeus, the personification of lust. Tobit’s son, Tobiah, marries Sarah, knowing that Asmodeus had killed her seven previous husbands, on their wedding night. Assisted by Archangel Raphael, Tobiah drives Asmodeus away, outlives the night, ends the “curse” on Sarah and lives a long happy life with her.
My favorite part is the Prayer of Tobiah (8:5). On their wedding night, Tobiah invites Sarah to pray. He recalls the Genesis account of creation, the divine intent of marriage, the supportive and nurturing roles of man and woman in that union. Key to understanding the formulation is that it is God who brings man and woman together (Tobit 6:18, “for she was set apart for you before the world existed”), “not for lust but for a noble purpose” (Tobit 8:7).
Re-Establishing Right Relationship with God
Tobiah enters into that union by elevating the wedding night and his marriage into right relationship with both God and his bride. This right relationship is defined in its broadest form and raised to its fitting place as the greatest of commandments in that little tête-à-tête that ensued from the Scribe’s challenge to Jesus – “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength … You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:30-31). The commandment uses the connective tissue of love to establish right relationship, first with God, and second with neighbor. Tobiah drives Asmodeus away to the upper regions of Egypt (Tobit 8:3) by the burning of the heart and liver (Tobit 8:2), obtained from the dead fish (Tobit 6:5). Asmodeus, the personification of lust, is but a proxy for the seven deadly sins. The deadly sins share one thing in common, they turn our gaze inward. Through the death and resurrection of Christ, we have gained the opportunity to re-establish right relationship with God and neighbor, turning our gaze upward and outward.
Grokking the Key to Right Relationship
It has taken me many painful years of hurts, given and suffered, in my relationships and in the empathetic sufferings of the ones I love to finally grok the key to this formulation. I humbly submit that the key to right relationship is this – To love someone as God wants us to love them, is to follow the example of our Lord to the letter. It is to be willing to accept, uncompromisingly, in all circumstances, both the love and the hurt they will invariably give you. In case you are wondering, I am not suggesting that abuse become acceptable. This is the kind of hurt that awakens us from the sleep of indulgent selfhood. Thus, this is not an abject statement of pessimism, but an objective qualification of a gift through which we can hope to be redeemed. Look, Jesus wasn’t kidding when he said (Matthew 5:44), “Love your enemies”. If our Lord applied the connective tissue of love to right relationship with our enemies, then is it any surprise that he expects no less from our relationships with our loved ones?
This key to right relationship ought to be exemplified in every marriage. However, Asmodeus is alive and well in our times. Is it any surprise, that navel-gazing partners of modern unions fail to survive the wedding night? Tobiah’s prayer (Tobit 8:5-8) is the ageless answer. It sets up the beginnings and the purpose of every relationship (marital and otherwise) within its divine setting. Surviving the wedding night, to grow old together … blessed with children (Tobit 8:7), is living in right relationship with God and neighbor, by applying the key in every circumstance, uncompromisingly. This is to be epitomized in marriage, but applies to familial relationships, friendships, societal responsibilities, the stewardship of worldly possessions and of creation itself. Each of those was entrusted to us from before the world was created (Tobit 6:18) so that we may live in them (Ephesians 2:10), in right relationship with God and neighbor. Amen.
