Unfettered and Unhurt

I have played a few video games in my day. There is a certain mystery about why so many people, old and young, spend an inordinate amount of time on what certainly seems like an unproductive escape from reality. The name, Jane McGonigal, comes up if you research game theory. In her book, “Reality is broken, Why Games Make Us Better and How They Can Change the World,” she lists four key characteristics of successful games across genres.

The Goal, the Rules, the Feedback, Voluntary Participation

The first, “The Goal,” provides the player with a sense of purpose. The greater this sense of purpose, the more focused the player is on that goal, while playing the game. The more focused the player is on the goal, the easier it is to ignore distractions that keep them from achieving the goal. The second, “The rules of the game,” sets up challenges and obstacles which trigger the player’s imagination and creativity, which, in turn, fuel the player’s interest and perseverance, in trying to achieve the goal. The third characteristic is “the feedback system,” which tells the player how close they are to achieving the goal, encouraging the player, and reinforcing the promise that the goal is achievable. The last of these characteristics is “voluntary participation.” The player voluntarily participates in the game, knowing the goal and the rules, they are encouraged by the feedback loop and the liberty to stop and start repeatedly, thus improving their skill at the game.

Climactic Failure

On occasion, when I watch YouTube, the content is interrupted for video game ads. The ad usually involves a scene from the game as it is being played. Nearly always, the ad ends with the player losing. For example, in an ad for a fantasy game, we see the player advancing against a horde of trolls, towards the goal, wiping them out with his ever-growing armory of weapons, earned through his battles. Invariably, the 4-5 second ad ends with the player getting wiped out and the game ends. I have always found it curious that nearly all these ads depict climactic failure, with only the promise and possibility of achieving the goal.

Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Yet, these are popular games. People play them. Haven’t they seen the ad? Why is a game ad that ends in failure alluring? The answer to this question lies in a fifth characteristic of every game, namely, that you can keep trying repeatedly, without loss or pain. So, the more appealing the goal, the more creativity inspiring the rules, the more encouraging the feedback system, the more that hope of achieving the goal seems real, and the more voluntary the player’s participation and “addiction” to the game. On the contrary, the less the player’s understanding of the goal or the rules of the game, the more likely it is that the repeated and inevitable failures during play cause them to abandon the game. Do these characteristics of game theory apply in the “Game” of Life?

The Question of Suffering

St Pope John Paul II in his apostolic letter, Salvific Doloris, explores the question of Suffering. He writes, “Within each form of suffering endured by man … there inevitably arises the question: why?” Each of us has experienced this and finds out for ourselves that our experience with our suffering tends to be as unique as our being. One that is often impossible to communicate externally in language that does justice to the experience, even more exacerbating the pain of its uniqueness and our isolation in it. So, each of us, if we did not know any better, to different degrees, tended to avoid and shun the very idea of suffering, let alone inviting it into our lives.

I have lived the decades of my life, fearing this very thought of loss, pain, and suffering. So much so that I have deliberately avoided the opportunities to stand for my faith or opportunities to go beyond my self-imposed limits in acts of charity, to avoid worldly loss or to avoid minor physical inconvenience, let alone laying down my life for my neighbor. Who was I fooling, could I ever be a Maximilian Kolbe, who volunteered to die instead of his fellow inmate, Franciszek Gajowniczek, in a German death camp. Could I ever be a St Therese of Lisieux, who woke one one morning coughing up blood? Her instinctual reaction, that morning, was not fear, but an excitement that she had gained another opportunity to love Jesus even more. So, while I have tried to avoid all forms of inconvenience and suffering because of my fear, it is not as if my fear kept the suffering at bay. Invariably suffering has arrived in many of its measured forms into my life and the life of my loved ones.

A Glimpse

I had a glimpse, and it was only a glimpse, this last month, into this mystery of redemptive, participative suffering that Maximilian Kolbe or St Therese or countless other Saints before them to St. Paul and St Peter, joyfully invited into their lives. It is quite possible that I may have misunderstood the goal, the rules, and the feedback loop of this “game of life” in the Lord. Isn’t it amazing that the Lord’s invitation to participative & redemptive suffering are somewhat like those video game advertisements that show scenes of the player advancing in the game and then failing climactically?

It is as if the Lord is saying, “Look, see, how much suffering my Saint X or Saint Y endured in their lives. Believe in me, and you can enjoy just as much suffering in your own life?.” Paradoxically, in video games, the failures, and the freedom to play repeatedly help the player advance, to get better at the game and to finally achieve the goal. The player voluntarily participates in the game, consciously or unconsciously aware of the rules, the goal, the feedback loop in that video game.

The Purpose?

The” game of life” is no video game. But I suddenly realized that I may have been playing involuntarily in this “game of life,” not voluntarily. What if started participating more voluntarily? What if I have completely misunderstood the purpose of suffering in my life? Have I been living my life all this time shunning the Lord’s invitation to this participation? What if, in the “game of life,” these moments of suffering, and the freedom to die to myself and rise again in those moments, without fear, repeatedly, are precisely the means to achieve the goal the Lord has set out for me?

The advanced video game player, who fails repeatedly at a particular stage of the game, invites the opportunity to get back to that stage. They know there is a way to get past that stage. In trying repeatedly, they build their skill. The Lord, it is said, and I now realize even more, permits certain suffering, to precisely help me build up the virtue I lack or to overcome my inclination to sin. I have seen loved ones go through great suffering. I have seen my father-in-law endure great and painful suffering with a smile on his face. And, I have seen my grandmother, who was bedridden for decades, do the same. To me they were like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in their own version of a “white hot furnace” (Dan 3:14-20). That it is somehow possible to be “unfettered and unhurt” (Dan 3:92), while they were in it. I do not know if I will be able to endure suffering like that.

Ask, and You Shall Receive

What I experienced this past month was “great enough suffering,” i.e., relatively speaking for my low tolerance of pain and loss. About that glimpse that I mentioned above, I now realize how they were able to do it. When the first of these incidents happened last month, I decided to try something different. I asked the Lord to prolong the incident for as long as he desired until I learned what he wanted me to learn. “Ask and you shall receive.” So, I received, and I learned. To top this first incident, in fact, just as there was the slight hope that it might resolve itself, there came a second one. Once again, I did the same. I did my best to joyfully accept it and offered my suffering up to the Lord. Again, I learned. What was I learning each time?

I realized that the Lord was teaching me to build up a particular virtue, while at the same time helping me to reign in my inclination to sin. What was I doing before this, through all my life? What was different in this last month? Very simply, all these years, I was asking the Lord to remove the thorn and to grant me the virtue, without putting my own effort into the process. I wanted the silver bullet. I just was not willing to work for it. As these two incidents began to resolve themselves, I realized that I was likely to fall back into my old ways. So, I prayed again and asked the Lord to send me some suffering so that I would not stray again. “Ask and you shall receive.”

Play the Game

Again, I received. As of this writing, I am not certain that I am entirely happy about this one. So, this time, I offered both my lack of eagerness and the suffering up to the Lord. I think I will play His “game.” I think I see the goal of this game a little more clearly. And, I think I am beginning to appreciate the “rules” of this game. I think I understand the feedback loop of this game a little better. Paradoxically, like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, it is precisely in the white-hot furnace that I will become unfettered and unbound. It is precisely by being in that white-hot furnace that the Lord will walk with me (Dan 3:92). But, dear reader, please pray for me that I may play this game even more voluntarily and joyfully. Amen.

[Readings: Daniel 3:14-20, 91-92, 95; John 8:31-42]