Anxiety

I grew up used to hunger. There was almost enough in our kitchen but never quite enough to stop the pain in my stomach. My father went out early each day to seek work, and if no one took him on, he was ashamed to come home.

My mother tried to make a little grain look like a feast.

We, the children, fought over whatever was set before us and never complained about what it was. We learned to survive. Each day brought anxiety, and yet we still managed to laugh and play.

A new life.

My parents found a husband for me who was the best I could wish for. He gave me my own share of everything, and I never had a hunger pain to keep me awake at night again. Our children did not know such hunger as I had grown up with. Where I had learned to survive with little money, I now began to learn how to increase the money I had by saving and spending wisely. As the precious coins mounted up I loved going to the chest to add to them and to see my wealth grow.

I had plans for our sons and daughters and hoped to increase the number of our livestock and the size of our home. It was a joy to me to manage our household and train our children for their good lives. They were so bright and lively. They also appreciated beautiful things. I made my daughters dresses of fine linen and put silver on their arms.

There was a pleasure in acquiring money. I hoped my treasure chest would ensure that no one in the family suffered from one poor harvest or sickness. I sought ways to make clever investments. I had an eye for what to buy and sell each year.. At times that was exhilarating, but it could also cause anxiety. And then one day I saw the change that had taken place in me.

My little grandson had crawled up to my knee and laid his head there. In my hands I held silver coins, and he reached out to take them. ‘No,’ I spoke sharply to him. I realized then that I must choose to let the money fall to the ground to lift him to my arms. I watched coins roll in all directions and as I held the little boy to my face my tears flowed onto him. ‘What has happened?’ I asked myself.

Psalms

So, picking Benjamin up I walked from the house. He laughed as he felt himself bouncing up the mountainside. On the steep slope he felt heavy in my arms but I managed to sing to him –

‘I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.……

…

The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.1

Then I saw that there were many people walking up the mountainside, singing like pilgrims on their way to Jerusalem. The women sang to the Lord on the mountain,

“Who shall ascend the hill of the Lord?

And who shall stand in his holy place?

And the men replied

4 He who has clean hands and a pure heart,

who does not lift up his soul to what is false

and does not swear deceitfully.

5 He will receive blessing from the Lord

and righteousness from the God of his salvation.

6 Such is the generation of those who seek him,

who seek the face of the God of Jacob.2

We gathered around the Rabbi, the Lord on that mountain. As he spoke I rocked my little one and wiped the tears from my face with my gown.

“No one can serve two masters. … You cannot serve God and mammon.”

“…do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink,”

And as the swallows flew around our heads he continued,

“Look at the birds in the sky; … your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they?”

And,

“Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. … not even Solomon in all his splendour was clothed like one of them.”

I thought of all the unnecessary things that had crowded into my life, as he showed us the only thing that mattered,

“seek first the Kingdom of God.”

God’s gift, the precious child whose parents entrusted to me, lay sleeping. I saw my future, saw myself breaking the strong box, breaking the seals for the last time and saw the joy of hungry children sharing a meal as a widowed mothers smiled again. Thank you Lord.

[Readings: Jeremiah 20:10-13; Romans 5:12-15; Matthew 10:26-33]