In Rom 7:15, St Paul says, “For I do not do what I want, but I do what I hate.” I have an intimate understanding of what he means and for far too long I have been focused inward on my defects, my weaknesses, and my habitual sins with which I return to the confessional. While it was plain to see that I was consciously making my choices, it was just as much a mystery as to why I did not desire or will it enough to overcome them.
St Paul says in 2 Cor 12:7, “power is made perfect in weakness”. In his case, St Paul reasons that because of the abundance of revelations given him, lest he become too elated, he was given this thorn in his flesh. But, what about me? I do not have an abundance of revelations. I have prayed to be rid of my weaknesses … Oh wait! Was that the problem? Was my attitude towards my weaknesses the real obstacle? While the nature of his weakness is not explicated in Scripture, St Paul could carry out God’s work only through the acceptance of that weakness. God’s grace was sufficient to overcome any obstacles engendered by said weakness, so long as that weakness could be surrendered to the grace of God. Thus, St Paul says in 2 Cor 12:9, “I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me”. Was it possible to apply this in my life?
Jaggedness
If you could examine the groove in any vinyl record (LP) under a microscope, you will notice that it follows a rough track with its ups, downs, and jagged edges. But, let the record player’s needle run over it, and it makes beautiful music. One of my former managers had given me this bit of advice – “if you are looking to convince someone of a particular course of action, it is first important to understand what their motivations and plans are.”
So, when it comes to God’s motivations and plans for my life, what may be assuredly certain, is that if my motivations differ from His, well then, like a needle out of its groove on a vinyl record, I would not ever be playing His tune, any time soon.
What is also certain is that He does have a song for me. It may not be the off-kilter ditty I am playing in my head, but some grand Aria that he has in mind and wants me to compose. And therein lies the rub.
At the expense of pushing this metaphor to its limit, my obsession with the jaggedness of my track is distracting me from composing the song, whereas the jaggedness is the first necessary element for creating the composition. St Paul would boast of his jaggedness, because through Christ working in him, he was able to play Cantatas, Motets and Canons, which resound through eternity. Now, I would be willing to settle for a reasonable lullaby in the now, but I am distracted.
Humility
Ezekiel 47:1,8,9 says that “water flowing out from under the threshold of the temple … empties into the polluted waters of the sea to freshen them … everything lives where the river goes”. Growing up, my mother would often remind me that “the waters of the river will only flow over the lowlands.”
She was teaching me about humility. But that fell on deaf ears for many years. Now, I will offer, in all humility, that humility is both a recognition and an acceptance of who you are, by yourself. Ezekiel 47:12 then adds, “Along the river every kind of fruit tree will grow; …their fruit is used for food, and their leaves for healing.” Isn’t that the very definition of mission?
Thus, by myself, or by my efforts alone, I will remain polluted. It is impossible for me to become clean, to become perfect, on my own. But, as Jesus said in Matthew 19:26, “for God all things are possible”. It is thus that the second necessary element of delivering one’s Aria is humility. For the water can only flow over the lowlands and fruit trees, which will serve as food and heal others, will grow there and there will be abundant life (John 10:8).
I can only grow when I am ready to accept who I am, stop being distracted by this self-absorption over my weaknesses. I can only compose that Aria when I am able to joyfully boast in my weaknesses, accept that I need Christ in me, and thus allow His Spirit to flow through me. I hope to be performing at a concert hall near you soon. Amen.
[Readings: Ez 47:1-2, 8-9, 12; 1 Cor 3:9c-11, 16-17; Jn 2:13-22]
